“Yes, lots of men are carers,” writes June Andrews OBE. “But what I am saying is still true. The burden of unpaid care of older relatives is not carried equally.” 

Unpaid care of older relatives is more often done by women than men.  When asked for a blurb for a talk I was going to give during Carers Week last year the organisers asked me to reword that, or rather, not say it.  They were anxious not to appear sexist. Notwithstanding the statistics.

Yes, lots of men are carers.  But what I am saying is still true.  The burden of unpaid care is not carried equally.  It’s the system that is the problem, not the individual men, so any individual man who wants to interrupt me and disagree on the basis of what he himself does, needs to stop and listen for a minute.

I have been talking to a daughter (who is a carer for her father) about the difference between what she does and the actions of her brothers. She knows that the burden of care is unfairly distributed.  What is stopping her from tackling the problem? She doesn’t have the capacity to tackle it, because it is not just the brothers.  It’s the system. 

Her struggle is underpinned by issues related to women’s lack of choice over how to spend their time.  Her father had depended on his wife’s unpaid labour in the home.  The jobs the daughter picked up were ones done previously without question by their mother, who died and inconveniently left behind a widower unable to work the washing machine or cook a meal, and who didn’t have any idea how to manage the domestic admin including utility payments etc. 

If he had died first the only substantive problem would have been that the mother couldn’t drive a car – but taxis are easy to hire. Hiring someone who will undertake the essential basic jobs that need to be done to a schedule like washing, cleaning, shopping, life administration, and the endless labour of keeping a household going is almost impossible and/or unaffordable, she said.

Fixing the problem turned out to be gendered as well.  Of course, the brothers could help and will do specific jobs if asked.  But the boys never engage with working out what needs to be done, and for the sister it is as if she is always asking them to do her a favour, rather than sharing filial responsibility.

Who is on high alert about the father, and who forgets about him until they decide that it might be nice to visit? And then the men get praised for doing things that would be taken for granted if the woman did it.

As we discussed it, it started to look as if this is how the system works for women throughout their life, unless they are child free, and short on siblings. Feminist writers perhaps more often have focussed on the unpaid labour of women with small children.  It can be said without challenge that capitalism is nasty because it depends on working age women’s unpaid labour in the home.  And grandmothers.  Housing is too expensive to be funded on one salary. 

Many jobs are too challenging to be done by someone who is unable to work late, or flex around the role or the employer’s unpredictable demands. People need support at home to do those jobs. Heterosexual couples have a decision to make. In a world where women earn less than men, couples make the sensible decision about who should go part time, or take a less demanding, lower paid role to undertake childcare which is too expensive to buy in.

So, the mother does work that can fit round the unpaid household duties that she does as what’s been called “the second shift.”

The work in the home is not just housework but also kin-care.  Who remembers the birthdays and organises Christmas, keeps the in-laws sweet and eventually starts to do unpaid labour for them?  Servicing the running of the household carries no pay and no fixed hours and even worse – there is no end. In fact it intensifies with eldercare.

The men in this woman’s life are not using up their brain space for this as much as she is.  The sister has even heard that the brothers say that she likes it like this and enjoys it, or she wouldn’t be doing it.  Certainly, the father likes it like this. When it’s suggested that a cleaner or carer is hired, the father says it’s not needed.  He’s got his family, he says. It’s the patriarchy talking. First his wife and now his daughter have a disproportionate role in servicing his social and practical needs.

So, what’s her actual complaint?  This unpaid carer isn’t concerned about the financial cost of care, even though that’s significant. She doesn’t rail against capitalism or the patriarchy.

She’s just fed up with not having any free time.  Time is the only thing in this life that is rationed.  You can get more of most things, but not time.  Even when she’s not actually working for her father, he’s at the back of her mind.

The local carer’s organisation offered her a voucher for a spa day, and she reflected that it’s something to prop you up and keep you doing this unpaid work, not an indulgence or any kind of treat.  She’s trying not to be angry at her brothers or father, but it’s a losing battle.  All she said as we parted was, “Am I being unreasonable?”

Note; if this raises any issues for you, contact your local Carers Organisation for advice. You can find them via:

https://carers.org/help-for-carers/carer-services-near-you

This blog originally appeared on June’s excellent website: https://juneandrews.net/dementia-and-older-people-blog/1/1/2025/unpaid-care-is-a-feminist-issue-am-i-being-unreasonable

Professor June Andrews OBE FRCN FCGI is an expert in care of older frail people and people with dementia.  She has worked in the NHS and government, as well as academia and is currently working across all sectors of health and social care, independent and statutory.